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 But I’m convinced that we don’t have “it,” whatever “it” is. So I make him stand there and snap for several minutes. Other tourists meander through the frame, and even though it’s a public street in a peak travel season, I’m irrationally frustrated at their presence. Later, we sit at dinner. The sun is setting. The medieval city is bathed in a warm glow, its crumbling walls rosy with the reflection of the water. There’s a bottle of wine on the table, and we’re just about to share a salt-crusted fish, something I’ve never tried before. I ignore all of it. Instead, I sit there with my arms crossed, scrolling through selects on his camera. “Ugh, my dress looks wrinkled,” I pout.

You probably hate me in this story. (It’s okay, I do too.) But you’ve also probably been me. There’s a reason the phrases “doing it for the ’gram” and “doing it for the Vine” (RIP) became part of the cultural lexicon: As we became obsessed with using social media, we also became obsessed with how we presented ourselves on it. We wanted to be forever young despite our inevitable aging. We wanted to be world travelers despite having daily desk jobs. And we kept trudging through this impossible quest of picture-posting perfection even though it was making us miserable: A 2018 study from Psychology Bulletin found that, perhaps thanks partly to social media, college students and 20-somethings held themselves to standards way higher than previous generations. “Raw data suggest that social media use pressures young adults to perfect themselves in comparison to others, which makes them dissatisfied with their bodies and increases social isolation,” the study reports. “Today’s young people are competing with each other in order to meet societal pressures to succeed, and they feel that perfectionism is necessary in order to feel safe, socially connected, and of worth.”

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